My nephew Elijah, 8, came up to me at the dinner table to give me a hug and said to my belly, "hi Leila". I think the only other person at the table that noticed was my other nephew, 7, who looked puzzled, "that's not Leila".

It was really sweet, but my heart is hurting a lot now.

I miss you so much baby girl. <3

Leila's tree is GONE! :(

i'm so fucking upset! i decided to go sit outside on the patio swing since it was so nice out and i look over to her flower bed and her tree is gone! it never bloomed last year, which broke my heart, but i made it very clear that i did NOT want it replaced or removed yet. i can't replace my daughter, why would i try to replace her tree? and even though it was dead last year, i still decorated it for her with easter decorations, which i was about to pull out. and when i was READY to, my dad's ex was going to help me make a wreath out of the branches with all of the dried flowers i've collected. but now it's GONE. nobody even asked or said anything about it. and mind you, our yard looks like crap, so it's not like it made the yard look any better.
like i needed this on top of already stressing out about her 2nd birthday next month, and all the other crap i'm dealing with....

and thank you for all the love and support for my pregnancy. i really appreciate it! <3

FINALLY!

two pink lines. :)

oh, totally forgot...

...to post a pretty important update.
so that ex-boyfriend, my first love, that i got back together with and was actively trying to conceive with? oh yeah, he was cheating on me! i love my life.
back to square one. yippee.
not.

oh, reality....

i remember when i was pregnant, there were moments when the reality that i was PREGNANT would just really hit me. i mean i was obviously aware that i was pregnant, but the gravity of that reality would just bowl me over. whoa, i have a tiny human being growing inside me right now... i created a life... i'm really, REALLY preganant.
and now, sometimes reality, previously escaping me, comes around and smacks me right good. i know Leila is dead. i never forget that. but sometimes it hits me like being awakened from a dream. my baby is really dead. she really died. this REALLY happened to me.
and that really, REALLY fucking sucks.

I love those sneaky stabs in the heart....

so this little girl in my neighborhood, about three years old, is walking around craddling this raggedy naked babydoll with it's eyes closed that's covered in dirt and she comes up to me and my sister saying, "my baby alive, my baby alive, need to take to the doctor, help....."

and another neighborhood kid yells, "whatever, you're baby's dead!"


ouch.

Stroller and carseat

so i just logged into my baby registry from last year for the first time since Leila died, and the travel system that someone bought for me was never returned. i have no idea who bought it for me and if they still have it or why, for that matter. most people don't know that i want to try again. i don't think i could handle using it with my next baby if i received it. in fact, i've dreaded seeing it with some other baby in it for the last 14 months and luckily have not. i'm not really sure what my point is here, i'm just confused and bothered for some reason.