Life After Leila

2011-04-21T20:40:00.002-04:00

My nephew Elijah, 8, came up to me at the dinner table to give me a hug and said to my belly, "hi Leila". I think the only other person at the table that noticed was my other nephew, 7, who looked puzzled, "that's not Leila".

It was really sweet, but my heart is hurting a lot now.

I miss you so much baby girl. <3

Leila's tree is GONE! :(

2011-04-04T15:37:00.002-04:00

i'm so fucking upset! i decided to go sit outside on the patio swing since it was so nice out and i look over to her flower bed and her tree is gone! it never bloomed last year, which broke my heart, but i made it very clear that i did NOT want it replaced or removed yet. i can't replace my daughter, why would i try to replace her tree? and even though it was dead last year, i still decorated it for her with easter decorations, which i was about to pull out. and when i was READY to, my dad's ex was going to help me make a wreath out of the branches with all of the dried flowers i've collected. but now it's GONE. nobody even asked or said anything about it. and mind you, our yard looks like crap, so it's not like it made the yard look any better.
like i needed this on top of already stressing out about her 2nd birthday next month, and all the other crap i'm dealing with....

and thank you for all the love and support for my pregnancy. i really appreciate it! <3

FINALLY!

2010-11-05T14:40:00.000-04:00

two pink lines. :)

oh, totally forgot...

2010-10-24T01:11:00.002-04:00

...to post a pretty important update.
so that ex-boyfriend, my first love, that i got back together with and was actively trying to conceive with? oh yeah, he was cheating on me! i love my life.
back to square one. yippee.
not.

oh, reality....

2010-10-24T01:01:00.003-04:00

i remember when i was pregnant, there were moments when the reality that i was PREGNANT would just really hit me. i mean i was obviously aware that i was pregnant, but the gravity of that reality would just bowl me over. whoa, i have a tiny human being growing inside me right now... i created a life... i'm really, REALLY preganant.
and now, sometimes reality, previously escaping me, comes around and smacks me right good. i know Leila is dead. i never forget that. but sometimes it hits me like being awakened from a dream. my baby is really dead. she really died. this REALLY happened to me.
and that really, REALLY fucking sucks.

I love those sneaky stabs in the heart....

2010-08-01T14:15:00.003-04:00

so this little girl in my neighborhood, about three years old, is walking around craddling this raggedy naked babydoll with it's eyes closed that's covered in dirt and she comes up to me and my sister saying, "my baby alive, my baby alive, need to take to the doctor, help....."

and another neighborhood kid yells, "whatever, you're baby's dead!"

ouch.

Stroller and carseat

2010-07-09T18:24:00.004-04:00

so i just logged into my baby registry from last year for the first time since Leila died, and the travel system that someone bought for me was never returned. i have no idea who bought it for me and if they still have it or why, for that matter. most people don't know that i want to try again. i don't think i could handle using it with my next baby if i received it. in fact, i've dreaded seeing it with some other baby in it for the last 14 months and luckily have not. i'm not really sure what my point is here, i'm just confused and bothered for some reason.

Trying really hard to hallucinate a line....

2010-07-09T18:20:00.001-04:00

which, quite frankly i'm pretty good at, but it's definately negative again. not this month.... heartbreak. :(

Walkin on sunshine....

2010-06-22T13:57:00.003-04:00

sorry i haven't been around lately. i'm terribly behind on blogs and will catch up soon. i miss all of you and think of you often.
but just wanted to give you a quick update and then i gotta run to class.....

i will be starting the two-week-wait tomorrow! :)

Once again....

2010-04-08T19:40:00.003-04:00

just got my monthly heartbreak. looks like no 2010 baby for me either. :(

but on a happy note, congratulations to Ashley and Mike! i'm so super excited for you!!! :)

Beauty in the breakdown?

2010-04-07T15:40:00.002-04:00

eh, not so much. it's always pretty ugly....

so i had a bit of a breakdown yesterday, and ended up having to take a xa.nax for the first time in about 5 months or so. i woke up, let the dog outside, and dutifully checked face.book as i do every morning when i get up. (years ago it used to be the newspaper... how things have changed.) on a friend's post about always stepping over the line, a person comments back with "oh yeah? tell me a good dead baby joke".

and i just lose it. my heart is pounding, i'm dizzy, i'm hot, i'm silently yelling and cursing this stranger, ripping him a new one: i'm having an anxiety attack 3 minutes after i get out of bed. great.

i try to just calm myself down, breathe, breathe, breathe, drink water, walk around, breathe, breathe, breathe.... but this anxiety isn't letting up so i take half a xa.nax, sit down on the couch and turn the tv on to relax. and what is the first thing i hear? Leila's name. so i turn the tv off scream and throw the remote, thoroughly scaring the shit out of the poor dog and i start crying and sobbing and moaning loud as can be. and then i freak out, because, even though i've been peeing on a flippin stick almost every day for the last week and a half (yes, because i'm psycho), and all of the tests were negative, i still hope i'm pregnant and it's just too early to tell and worry if the xa.nax will hurt the theoretical baby in my belly? and so then i cry and sob and moan some more, which is exactly what my eyes need- to be even more red and swollen and sore, because pink eye just isn't bad enough you know. and then i realize that i should be getting my period on friday, which means that my hcg levels should be high enough to create a pink line on those stupid stupid sticks, which means i'm most certainly not pregnant, which upsets me terribly and i'm just a gigantic sputtering mess in my living room, freaking out the poor dog, who probably (rightfully) thinks i'm insane.

thank goodness no one (human) was home to witness that one.

Recurring dream

2010-04-07T14:07:00.002-04:00

in response to Barbara's post

ever since i was a teenager i've had this dream that i'd had a baby but totally forgotten about her, then all of the sudden i'd remember that i'd given birth and i'd desperately search for her (usually always a girl) but i'd always find her and she'd be fine like nothing had happened. i'd always nurse and all would be well.

but now in this dream i can't find her.

in my last dream i was out shopping with my best friend and her baby and all of a sudden it dawned on me that i'd forgotten that i had a baby and i frantically ran around the shopping center looking for her, thinking oh my god i'm the worst mother in the world, i've forgotten and lost my baby, i don't even know how long ago i lost her. my friend refused to help me look for her, looking at me with pity, apparently knowing i had lost my mind, so i continued to run around like a mad woman, asking the childcare center if i'd left my baby there, even tearing through my car that was so chockful of junk (including a pink carseat) that i had to pull stuff out and look under it wondering if i'd left my baby in there, and if so, she was surely dead, most definitely dead, now i've killed my own baby, i'm the most horrible mother in the world.

and then i woke up.... and felt sick to my stomach all day.

i think it's safe to say that i still feel tremendous guilt for Leila's death.

I don't get it

2010-03-22T14:54:00.001-04:00

I gave birth. i vividly remember this. i didn't dream it, i'm sure. so WHERE IS MY BABY?!?!

Why The Cheetah's Cheeks Are Stained

2010-03-21T13:04:00.001-04:00

Why The Cheetah's Cheeks Are Stained (A Traditional Zulu Story)

"Kwasuka sukela...."

Long ago a wicked and lazy hunter was sitting under a tree. He was thinking that it was too hot to be bothered with the arduous task of stalking prey through the bushes. Below him in the clearing on the grassy veld there were fat springbok grazing. But this hunter couldn't be bothered, so lazy was he! He gazed at the herd, wishing that he could have the meat without the work, when suddenly he noticed a movement off to the left of the buck. It was a female cheetah seeking food. Keeping downwind of the herd, she moved closer and closer to them. She singled out a springbok who had foolishly wandered away from the rest. Suddenly she gathered her long legs under her and sprang forward. With great speed she came upon the springbok and brought it down. Startled, the rest of the herd raced away as the cheetah quickly killed her prey.

The hunter watched as the cheetah dragged her prize to some shade on the edge of the clearing. There three beautiful cheetah cubs were waiting there for her. The lazy hunter was filled with envy for the cubs and wished that he could have such a good hunter provide for him. Imagine dining on delicious meat every day without having to do the actual hunting! Then he had a wicked idea. He decided that he would steal one of the cheetah cubs and train it to hunt for him. He decided to wait until the mother cheetah went to the waterhole late in the afternoon to make his move. He smiled to himself.

When the sun began to set, the cheetah left her cubs concealed in a bush and set off to the waterhole. Quickly the hunter grabbed his spear and trotted down to the bushes where the cubs were hidden. There he found the three cubs, still to young to be frightened of him or to run away. He first chose one, then decided upon another, and then changed his mind again. Finally he stole them all, thinking to himself that three cheetahs would undoubtedly be better than one.

When their mother returned half-an-hour later and found her babies gone, she was broken-hearted. The poor mother cheetah cried and cried until her tears made dark stains down her cheeks. She wept all night and into the next day. She cried so loudly that she was heard by an old man who came to see what the noise was all about.

Now this old man was wise and knew the ways of the animals. When he discovered what the wicked hunter had done, he became very angry. The lazy hunter was not only a thief, he had broken the traditions of the tribe. Everyone knew that a hunter must use only his own strength and skill. Any other way of hunting was surely a dishonour.

The old man returned to the village and told the elders what has happened. The villagers became angry. They found the lazy hunter and drove him away from the village. The old man took the three cheetah cubs back to their grateful mother. But the long weeping of the mother cheetah stained her face forever. Today the cheetah wears the tear stains on its face as a reminder to the hunters that it is not honourable to hunt in any other way than that which is traditional.

i wish someone would bring my baby back to me too. :(

Typical American....

2010-03-14T16:55:00.002-04:00

to be oblivious to the rest of the world! i didn't know that our american mother's day was not international, how totally stupid of me! so....

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!! to all my ladies around the world. :)

much love,
christy

9 months

2010-02-16T21:16:00.002-05:00

Nine months. Generally associated with pregnancy. Today associated with death. It's been nine months since Leila died. She's been dead now longer than she was alive. I'm having trouble wrapping my mind around that. I can't seem to guage the time anymore. I'm just completely lost. I'm not sure time and space exist in the way it did before she died. My head is in a fog. I'm not quite sure of anything anymore.
But I love and miss you baby girl, more than I could ever express, that I AM sure of.

I just don't think I'll ever get over you

2010-02-12T21:45:00.002-05:00

This song was written for a lost lover, a woman; but like most songs, i relate it to my baby girl Leila....

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
'Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived till I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
'Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

If I lived till I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Charting temps

2010-02-01T21:27:00.003-05:00

I highly recommend the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. Even if you are not trying to conceive it's a great source of information about our bodies and fertility, and natural birth control (FAM-fertility awareness method, which is NOT the rhythm method). I was amazed at what i didn't know about my own body and how many misconceptions we all grow up with (at least here in the US), though i am in no way surprised that this knowledge is not common, even in the medical community. i mean, who cares enough about women to educate them about fertility, pregnancy and birth? they don't need to KNOW anything!
so i've been charting my basal body temps. and yes, it was pretty annoying at first, but after a month i'm pretty used to it. and yes, i ovulated this month and missed yet ANOTHER cycle.... because my sperm donor flaked on me. CUZ HE HAS NO BALLS! thanks asshole, i didn't hate you these last 10 years since our ugly break-up, but now, after running away and avoiding me when i tell you i'm ovulating, i DO hate you. you could have just fucking said NO. or said anything for that matter. ya know, instead of NOTHING.
so i'm back at square one. so many women get unwanted free sperm donations, but i desperately want one and can't get one! how very lame. guess i need to lower my standards? lol
*sigh* losing hope again. starting to wonder if maybe i SHOULD have married so-n-so or so-n-so or.....
at least i'd have some sperm to work with!

What's in a name?

2010-01-22T16:19:00.001-05:00

A friend of mine asked if i had another girl if i was going to name her Leila. ?! i was a bit surprised; why would i have two children with the same name? i'm not george foreman! ah, just goes to show that no matter how supportive someone is, if they've not lived through this, they just don't get it. so he said, well, you'll just have to find another cool eric clapton song to name your next kid after. :)
yes, i named Leila after my favorite clapton song, Layla.

but speaking of her name, in all this hoping/daydreaming/planning for another baby, i've on at least two occasions referred to my rainbow baby as Leila. i think it's because for nine months i'd been planning for HER and then in the blink of an eye all those plans froze, never came to fruition, and are still hanging in the air, pleading to be played out. i know they never will. this is know- as violently as i wish her back into my arms, these plans are dead. and i know, bittersweetly, that this next child, my rainbow baby, will not be Leila. my rainbow baby will never be able to replace her. will probably not look anything like her. won't have her personality. they will be distinct and seperate people. and that's been harder to come to terms with than i thought. i never once desired to replace Leila. but i wish so badly that i could have her back, to be pregnant with her all over again, to have the happy ending with HER that we should have had. i wish so badly that she would come back to me, her same spirit, back in my belly.

i miss you so much baby girl. i love you.

Period MIA

2010-01-09T15:03:00.004-05:00

My period is 11 days late..... and i am NOT PREGNANT. i've peed on four sticks this week and there's not even a faint line. i'm reallllllly irritated that now that i have the opportunity to ttc my body is not cooperating. my body hates me! i'm pissed.
and two of my friends just found out that they are pregnant. congratulations to my best friend for finding two pink lines! i love you <3. while i'm happy and excited for them (especially you Sa!) it's going to be incredibly hard if i don't get pregnant soon. :(

Prayer bundles for our babies

2010-01-06T15:03:00.001-05:00

From the Feast of the Dead in nov. please feel free to copy pics.

The tobacco bundles tied to the Tree of Life. The chief said that every time the wind blows the prayers are carried out into the universe.

(please keep in mind that it's very hard to write on fabric! and some of the pics are out of focus, sorry!)

for Jenni

for Margaret

for Alisha

for Rikki

for Summer

for Jill

for Barbara

for Catherine

for Sally

for Isla's Mommy

for Malory

for Aleina

for Kari

for JenJen

for Amy

for Ashley

for Christie

for Monique

for Nan and Mike

for Tina

The Mother

2010-01-05T16:12:00.000-05:00

women have the unique priveledge of carrying another spirit in their bodies when they carry a child. i remember feeling a great heaviness when i was pregnant that i could not quite explain; an overwhelming sense that i was greater than the sum of my parts. what an amazing gift, that gift that a child can only give to its mother, that of complete trasformation. you are forever changed once you experience the creation of a life within your own body. you and your child are one, for a brief moment, two spirits in complete harmony. it's utterly mindblowing. though the pain and suffering i've experienced from losing my daughter are sometimes more than i can bear, i'll never regret being allowed the honor of being the vessel that carried her spirit for a short time.

i love you, Leila, more than i could express in a lifetime of words. you are my child always and forever; we have a connection that can never be broken, a bond that transcends time and space.

Forgotten?

2010-01-05T15:16:00.002-05:00

it's been quite a while since i've written anything substantial. i've not been doing well but i've been hiding it for the most part. i think i need to hit the release valve, just a little.

this christmas nobody in my family even acknowledged Leila except for my cousin Becky, whom i rarely talk to. she bought me a lovely charm bracelet with tiny little pink feet, a little girl with a green jewel (may's birthstone) and one that said "mommy's little angel" on it, with room to add more when i have another child. (hope hope hope) i absolutely love it. but i'm incensed that no one else even so much as mentioned Leila. i feel that everyone has forgotten her and that pains me so much. i know that nobody lost as much or loves her and misses her as much as me but for not even my father or sisters to tell me that they were sorry she was not here for her first christmas makes my heart hurt. i'm miserably depressed and the holidays were so hard without her here. not having any support in my grief during this time is making me resentful and angry. as if i'm not angry enough all the damn time. the few flowers on Leila's tree that had held on through the blizzard are now gone. maybe the sympathy left with them.

last night i half woke in the middle of the night, still in a dream-state, and was acutely aware of Leila's death. like i'd just found out. i haven't been gripped by that level of pain in many months. i hate it so fucking much that she's gone. i can't believe she's not here. still. my grief is different now, almost 8 months later. but it is still here full force. most times i just feel extremely depressed, but other times i am physically weakened. i will be ok for a little while, then all of a sudden i feel like a train is fast approaching me, and i'm knocked down. my chest is so heavy with grief i don't know how i manage to function and hide it most days. time is tricky. some days i feel like it's been forever that i've lived without her, other days it feels so new that brings me to my knees. i feel like i should have gotten better, at least a little, but it seems that my grief has just changed shape. i no longer realize that i'm not breathing when i think of her and have to make a conscious effort to breathe, breathe, breathe. but my anxiety is back up again. (maybe if i stop breathing again....?)

i've been obsessively yearning for another baby. i care about nothing else, really. i don't care about school, starting my career, my art, activism, or even my appearance sometimes. i just want another baby so badly, i don't know how to go on without a rainbow baby. i've gone so far as to ask my ex-boyfriend from 10 years ago for a sperm donation. he is leaning toward yes, and we will start talking about it on thursday. i know i'm completely off my rocker, and i'm going to get hell in the way of opposition and much, much judgement, but i believe that it's something that i need to do. i know that my life will be hard, no doubt about that, i was prepared for that with Leila, but it will be well worth it if i can manage to produce a live baby. and i know that i will have much less support if i get pregnant on purpose, but i will just have to manage. there's nothing else i can do. i can't ever go back to where i started. it will never be the same, i will never be the same person. there is no way to pick up where i started, before i became pregnant with Leila. that's what most people don't understand. sure, from their standpoint i am free now. i can do all the things that i would have had to give up had Leila not died, but none of those things will be the same, they will all be at the expense of Leila's life, and i'll be damned if i'm going to let her be a martyr. she didn't die so that i could have my old life and opportunities back. her life was worth much more than any of that. i would never fully enjoy anything knowing that Leila should be here with me. i thought that finishing school, starting my career, getting married and settling down first before getting pregnant again was the smart thing to do, but i feel that i will never heal without my rainbow baby, and try as i might, i can't shake the longing and yearning for another child. i just can't. it's all-consuming.

i don't care much what other people think about me getting pregnant again, as they haven't a clue what i'm going through and therefore can't judge me, but i DO care about what YOU think (yes, YOU). any thoughts and comments would be appreciated. i already know i'm crazy, so you can hold Those comments, lol.

Wishing all of you wonderful ladies....

2009-12-24T21:13:00.001-05:00

a very Merry Christmas. I hope the day is gentle on you....
Thinking of all our babies...

lots of love,
christy

Catching up a bit

2009-12-11T15:32:00.002-05:00

(this is a long rant, sorry)
so i've been slowly but surely catching up on my blog reading, so sorry i haven't been around. work forced me to step back and compartmentalize just to make it though each day and keep on chugging.... but i'm now unemployed so i've resumed grieving full-time again. ah yes, nothing like getting laid off right before the holidays to put you in the christmas spirit! like i had any to begin with...
i've been having nightmares as of late. as if my waking life isn't a nightmare, i have to suffer while i sleep too. i can't remember all of the dream, just bits and parts. yesterday i dreamt that i had another baby, a live baby, but she started dying. the hospital staff was telling me that it was time to give her back, she wasn't going to make it, and i kept trying to bounce her, bounce some life back into her, saying no, she doesn't want to die, i can't give her back. the hospital wouldn't even give me a blanket for her and they were just horrible and i didn't have a car seat yet so i couldn't leave the hospital, and for some reason i was carrying her around in a black diaper bag with some other random things.... hmmm, sort of like the apparently unsafe place i carried Leila around in... my body. i saw this little baby so vividly; she had black hair and dark eyes, her sweet little face telling me, no, she didn't want to die. oh fuck my life, fuck my dreams. but at least i saw her alive, got to see her eyes, even if she was just a dream. i never see Leila's eyes in my dreams. i don't know what color they were to even dream them. that kills me. in another dream i was digging up graves looking for her.... why? i haven't a clue, i can't remember. but it's odd cuz Leila isn't even buried, her ashes sit on the pillow next to mine on my bed. (not what i imagined when i decided to co-sleep.) and the other day i was jolted awake from a nap in a panic. my baby is dead. she's dead. how dare you fall asleep and forget that she's dead. bad mommy.
i've been feeling like my grief is bothersome to those around me. i HATE hiding my grief. it's been nearly 7 months, and though i try to hide my grief as much as i can (i'm sure those around me would be shocked to know that) i feel like everyone has had enough. it must really suck to be around me. my goodness, how much sympathy do you need?! can't you move on? it may all be in my head, but i'm afraid people are tired of my grief, think i'm milking it or obsessed, or whatever. i feel like a burden. it's exhausting, this grief, whether i'm hiding it or not.
i sat thanksgiving out this year. my dad and his fiance went to new hampshire to visit with her grandmother who is near the end. so i got out of that. you have thanksgiving plans, right? yes dad. then i declined the offer to go to my sister's dad's with the family (my foster family) and spent the entire day on the couch watching a House marathon. i just couldn't stand the idea of sitting around the table saying what i was thankful for. i certainly wasn't in the mood to celebrate anything. cuz i'm an immature, selfish bitch. i'll admit it. but then plans were made for a second thanksgiving for some family that couldn't make it on thursday, and i thought, what the hell, i do love me some thanksgiving diner. but i should have sat that one out too. i spent the morning and afternoon cooking, and was fine. but then people stared coming over and every time there is a big gathering my anxiety kicks in. i forced myself to keep it together and sit at the table. and it took everything in me to not throw my plate when people went around and said what they were thankful for. ya know, for life, for god giving them a good life, for god being so good to them, for family. so after all these months i'm apparently still in my angry phase of grief. i of course declined to say anything. what was i to say? oh yes, thank you god for my life. for sparing my life but taking my daughter's. thank you for being so good to me, for this fantastic life i'm living without my baby. thank you for my family, minus my child. i'm so glad that everyone except my baby is sitting here at this table! it was just a joke this year. i just don't feel i can be thankful for my life when Leila can't have hers. it just isn't fair. i'd much rather of died instead of her.
i'm so lonely. and tired. and miserable. i want my little girl back.

Starlight

2009-12-07T18:44:00.002-05:00

This ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

My life
You electrify my life
Lets conspire to ignite
All the souls that would die just to feel alive

I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms

Far away
The ship has taken me far away
Far away from the memories
Of the people who care if I live or die

And I'll never let you go
If you promise not to fade away
Never fade away

Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations, yeah
Our hopes and expectations
Black holes and revelations

Hold you in my arms
I just wanted to hold
You in my arms
I just wanted to hold

First Snow

2009-12-07T15:17:00.002-05:00

This would be Leila's first snow.

I'm so sorry you had to miss it baby girl. I miss you terribly.

Lots of love,
mommy

Prayer bundles for our babies <3

2009-11-22T17:00:00.032-05:00

From the Feast of the Dead in nov.

The tobacco bundles tied to the Tree of Life. The chief said that every time the wind blows the prayers are carried out into the universe.

(please keep in mind that it's very hard to write on fabric! and some of the pics are out of focus, sorry!)

for Jenni

for Margaret

for Alisha

for Rikki

for Summer

for Jill

for Barbara

for Catherine

for Sally

for Isla's Mommy

for Malory

for Aleina

for Kari

for JenJen

for Amy

for Ashley

for Christie

for Monique

for Nan and Mike

for Tina

Feast of the Dead

2009-11-14T14:51:00.002-05:00

Tomorrow i will be going to a native american ceremony called the feast of the dead with my family to acknowledge those that have passed from the world of the flesh. i'm making tobacco bundles offerings and got permission from the chief to make pink ones for Leila (they are traditionally red). tobacco is used in many native american ceremonies as it is considered a sacred plant and prayers are sent to the "great spirit" in the smoke of the tobacco, so each bundle is a prayer for our deceased loved ones. as you all know, i'm not religious in any way but am always happy to acknowledge my daughter and her life in any way that i can and i appreciate what this ceremony signifies. i'll be making lots of bundles for our babies.

i miss you all very much! since i started working again i've not had much time to grieve properly and have been compartmentalizing a great deal just to get through the days. i still have days that i'm a bit out of touch with reality. i still can't believe that it happened. i feel like i'm living the wrong life, like i'm in some parallel universe and some other me has Leila alive and well and happy. i haven't been to my support group for the last two months either because i am just so exhausted after work. it's really getting to me. i haven't been reading or writing blogs for about a month so i'm sorry for being behind on any news. i do think of you all a lot and hope everyone is doing well (or as well as can be). i promise to catch up this weekend. i've taken monday off from work for Leila's 6 month birthday since last month i cried all day at work and was completely miserable. i think i need to hit the release valve.
six months. six fucking months.

Too little, too late

2009-10-05T17:06:00.004-04:00

so apparently there were pictures taken of Leila shortly after she was born that i didn't find out about until about a month and a half ago. they were taken in a separate room where they weighed and cleaned her up, so i didn't know about them. when my dad and sister mentioned it i called the hospital to inquire about them and they didn't know what i was talking about and led me to believe they were just the NILMDTS photos, but then i mentioned it to my dad and sister again, and they said, no, these were different photos. so i called again. and again. and again. AND AGAIN. i finally found out that they were taken by 365 photos and got their number, and when i finally got ahold of them, they couldn't find Leila's pictures so they had to look her up by her birthday, time, weight, length, haircolor.... my poor little baby was a jane doe! WTF?! oh we probably tried to get ahold of you but couldn't. yeah, bullshit. that's why you didn't even know who these pictures belonged to. so another week goes by and i am still getting the run around, why can't i flippin just pick them up? so and so isn't here, they aren't ready yet, yadda yadda yadda. one of the women i was going back and forth with apologized, they usually call within 30 days about the bereavement package/photos she tells me. let me count.... i think it's been about 130 days, maybe more. i finally get a call saying that they are ready and i can come pick them up on thursday from, get this, labor and delivery! i sat in traffic to pick them up from the hospital after work and as i walk toward the front door i start to have an anxiety attack and almost turn around. i hadn't been back to the hospital since and just seeing that bench and the door that i walked out of empty handed was almost more than i could bear. but i managed to get up to l&d and tried to buzz myself in, but was ignored, yay, and after waiting for a few minutes i called the woman with my package. "buzz yourself in." "i tried to, nobody will answer, and quite honestly, i don't really want to come in." "oh, i understand, just give me a few minutes and i'll be right out. we can go into the chapel and talk while you look at the pictures." (you understand? right, that's why you asked a bereaved mother to come back to the unit she gave birth to her dead daughter in, right. ok.) "no thank you, i'd like to just take them and head out." "oh, but i don't want you to look at these alone." fucking excuse me? just because i'm single that means i'm alone? that i don't have support? oh thank you! i really needed to be insulted after all that i've been through, the least of which is the horrible treatment i've received from this hospital! "no, really, i just want to take them and leave." so i wait 15 minutes, decide to call her cuz i'm nearly in tears at this point standing outside of l&d waiting, seeing pregnant women, hearing the doppler, having a damn anxiety attack, and she answers and says i haven't forgotten about you, i haven't forgotten about you, then hangs up on me. ? so i wait another 15 minutes, then start crying and leave. this woman calls and leaves a voicemail 10 minutes later saying she's looking for me and she's sorry about the wait and to please come back because she REALLY wants me to have these photos, i need them. REALLY? you really want me to have these photos, eh? why the hell did no one ever contact me to let me know they even existed? hmm? i'm pretty damn sure if i hadn't jumped through hoops, i'd never had know about them. and i need them? so nice of you to care so much about my needs. 4 and a half months later. i think it's a bit too late to pretend to care at this point. so i sit in traffic for another hour and just cry and chain smoke all the way home. i did finally get them on friday after a friend so graciously offered to pick them up for me. they actually tried not to give them to her because the photos were wrinkled, but she firmly insisted that they hand them over. "but maybe she should come pick them up, maybe she wants to order more." "no, she came yesterday and you ignored her for almost 45 minutes and she didn't even want to come back here in the first place. she'll decide if she wants to order more later. just give me the pictures." (she's great!) i can only assume the pictures are wrinked because the original labels on the back were for a jane doe and they replaced them with my info. i'm so pissed at the hospital's insensitivity, they are so clueless and were totally unprofessional about this. i'm definitely not letting this slide. rest assured, i'm gonna be sending heads spinning. i am thrilled to have more photos of Leila (even though the quality is not great) but i'm pissed that i had to work so hard to get them. it really is too much effort for a bereaved parent to have to go through. i'm just exhausted from this whole ordeal.

My Birth Story Part I

2009-10-03T19:59:00.002-04:00

May 13th
on wed i had my 36 week appt. Leila's normal heart rate was around 160 bpm but today it had been 128 bpm. i was told not to worry, it was normal for the heart rate to slow down the closer i came to my due date. i had been worried about her decreased activity for about 2 1/2 weeks but was told not to worry about that either, it was normal since she was running out of room. she had been extremely active, kicking me very forcefully for about three days that weekend 2 1/2 weeks ago, and then her activity decreased alot. i keep thinking about that now, it haunts me. i was measuring at about two weeks behind my last two appts but did not know because my midwives always said i was measuring on time since 2 weeks plus or minus was considered normal. i wish i had been told my exact measurements and been allowed to come to my own conclusions since i had already been worried and would have trusted my own instincts more had i been fully informed. i'm mad that my midwives took it upon themselves to make the judgement that everything was alright. i told them my concerns and they knew i was worried but insisted that everything was normal so long as she kicked 10 times in one hour each day. this was when they gave me my kick count sheet and told me to do it every other day up until my due date, and if i went past it then i'd have to do it every day. i wish they had told me to do it everyday. i left the office not fully reassured but trusting my midwives. that night i did my kick count and sure enough Leila kicked 10 times in about 10 minutes. they were little kicks, but these kicks i am certain were her.

May 14th
thursday i thought i felt her move often, but nothing big. i didn't do my kick count. i was supposed to have my 36 week meeting with my birth assistant that morning but she was at a birth so we rescheduled for the next morning. that evening i spent the night at Celeste's house and we tried shining a flashlight in my tummy like she did with her son, but Leila didn't move so i just figured she was sleeping.

May 15th
the next morning my birth assistant was at another birth and couldn't make it again so we once more rescheduled for the next morning. i so wish that it hadn't happened like that, maybe things would not have turned out the way they did. i hadn't felt Leila move all morning and kept shaking my belly telling her that she needed to move because she was worrying mommy. about midday i felt "kicks" which i am now certain were simply uterine twitches because i felt those same small "kicks" long after Leila was born.

early evening i ate dinner and laid down to do kick counts and ended up dozing off. i'd been pretty worried at this point but convinced myself that i was just overreacting. after i awoke i realized that she hadn't woken me up like she usually did so i drank a glass of orange juice and waited an hour. nothing. slight panic. i went upstairs and used my doppler. nothing. i tried for about 3 minutes and still nothing. it never took long to find her heartbeat these day so i became even more panicked and called my midwife and she suggested that i meet her at the office. at this point it did not occur to me that Leila was dead. i just thought something was terribly wrong and was scared shitless. my mommy's mind couldn't fathom that my child might be dead. i couldn't compute that no heartbeat plus no movement equaled dead baby. i was calm until i walked out of the front door as my sister Sarah and her son Elijah were pulling into the driveway. i was visibly distraught and Sarah asked me what was wrong. i managed to choke out, "i'm going to meet my midwife... cuz... i.... can't.... find the heartbeat," and then started bawling in front of all the neighborhood kids and held my face in my hands. i hadn't realized how terrified i really was until i was looking at somebody that could see the expression on my face. she called Elijah to get back in the car and we all got in the van and i found my composure again. the birth center is 45 minutes away and in that time i thought i felt little movements which reinforced my delusion that Leila was still alive,that this was just a dramatic overreaction that would end with the midwife finding the heartbeat and me feeling like a silly, paranoid first-time mom. with every bump in the road i had a braxton hicks.

when we got to the birth center i laid down on the table and Lisa looked for the heartbeat and palpated my uterus. "oh, that felt like a movement, that's a good sign." but she couldn't find a heartbeat either. she skipped the non-stress test and called my back up doctor, dr. McKenzie, which is Leila's middle name. it took her almost an hour to return the page and in the mean time Lisa knitted and very nonchalantly prepared me for the worst. "when we get to the hospital they're going to look for the heartbeat and do an ultrasound. if they don't find a heartbeat they are going to induce you." i'd been fairly calm, as denial will allow this, but when i heard that i might be induced tonight i laid my head on Sarah's shoulder in bewilderment. induction? they weren't kidding around. this was serious. fear set in. i had one more month, it was too early, i wasn't ready to give birth yet. Leila was only 36 weeks, i didn't have all her stuff ready yet. it didn't dawn on me that she was dead yet. i still had hope, i wasn't ready to comprehend the truth. my midwife knew, she just wouldn't say it. all the while i kept thinking, why is she saying all this? Leila is alive, i felt her move! Dr. M finally called back and spoke to my midwife, then to me and explained everything that they would do. they told me that there was a risk of infection if the baby is dead. (i later learned that your body will usually go into spontaneous labor within two weeks of fetal demise, and that risk of infection is low and you can be monitored, but that's another story.) even after hearing this i still didn't accept that Leila was dead. i was a little numb. it was not sinking in at all yet.

we left for the hospital, Lisa in her car, Sarah and i following her. i called my dad. "can you come to the hospital?" "yeah, why?" "just come to the hospital." i couldn't tell him over the phone why, and that's when it started to feel a little real. half way to the hospital i completely lost it. i sobbed and wailed harder that i'd ever in my entire life. what if this is real? what if my child is really dead? i was facing every parent's worst fear. i just held my face in my hands and cried uncontrollably as Sarah drove silently to the hospital. we pulled up to the front door so that i wouldn't have to walk from the parking lot and they dropped me off to go park their cars. i sat all alone on the front bench holding my belly pleading with Leila to please wake up, please wake up, you have to wake up. as i sat there alone with the sinking feeling that things weren't going to turn out alright a woman with her newborn in her arms and pink balloons tied to her wheelchair came out of the front door and got into a cab right in front of me. just then i realized i might not leave the hospital with my baby girl. how could they walk out with their baby girl when i was sitting there, possibly with a dead baby in my huge belly? it was too cruel.

Sarah and Lisa walked up and i checked into labor and delivery around 930. they set me up to get my ultrasound after not finding the heartbeat but because i was not in the system yet i had to wait about 45 minutes. my dad, his fiance Jo and her mother arrived. the nurse covered me in blankets and wheeled me down to radiology with my dad. finally the technician came in and i asked to see the screen while she did the sonogram. i couldn't see a heartbeat and my heart was sinking. i asked her where the heartbeat was but she wouldn't talk to me. i asked her if she was gone and she wouldn't even look at me. when she was done she didn't even help me get wiped off or help me up. the nurse came back for me and once we got into the elevator i buried my face in the blanket and sobbed and sobbed all the way back to my room. i don't know if any other mothers saw or heard me. when we get back to my room i tell them that they couldn't find the heartbeat but i couldn't say she was dead. i had to hear it from somebody else first before i could really believe it, but nobody would say it. after some time dr. m arrived and told me about all the procedures we would have to do to deliver. we have to get the baby out. right away. i asked if she was sure, that there was nothing they could do? and she said, "no, i'm sorry, she's gone."
"she's gone," i repeated. i still couldn't say she was dead. ok. and i let them take over my body. it began to storm outside.

New members in the club :(

2009-10-03T19:53:00.002-04:00

Amy and John have just joined our sad club 10 days ago. Please visit them at: http://tinybigfeet.blogspot.com/

thanks,
christy

Leila's tree

2009-09-12T19:36:00.002-04:00

Leila's pink flowering dogwood tree is blooming for the SECOND time this year!!!! (they are only supposed to bloom once in the spring.)

Honest Scrap

2009-09-02T10:59:00.007-04:00

Thank you to Christie at http://veganinthecountry.wordpress.com for nominating me, it was a very pleasant surprise.

Here are the rules:

1. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs who you find brilliant in content or design.

2. Show the 7 winners’ names and links on your blog, and leave a comment informing them that they have won the Honest Scrap award.

1. Trish at http://anarchistmom.blogspot.com/
2. Summer at http://ellisjane08.blogspot.com/
3. Aleina at http://letterstolayla.blogspot.com/
4. Alisha at http://lifewithoutclarence.blogspot.com/
5. Ashley at http://mackenziesmama.blogspot.com/
6. Monique at http://samuelmarcbabylost.blogspot.com/
7. Margaret at http://margaretsundone.blogspot.com/

I hope none of you were already nominated, if so, sorry! Look forward to hearing your answers :)

1. My mother's side of the family is from Okinawa, where i lived from age 1 to 9. i learned how to speak japanese and english at the same time but had a hard time with english-i always screwed up the syntax, mixed in japanese words and had an accent. i unfortunately can't remember much japanese anymore.
2. i graduated highschool at 16. i love learning, but hated highschool and wanted to move out on my own as soon as possible to get away from a bad home situation so i crammed my junior and senior year together and graduated early. i however was in no hurry to go to college.... and at 27 i still haven't finished my bachelors! i should get on that, huh?
3. i'm majoring in conservation science and politics, and planning on working with NGOs overseas doing conservation, relief and human rights work.
4. i'm a photographer. i still use film exclusively for my art and do alot of alternative process (salt print, van dyke, cyanotype, etc.).
5. i'm a dirty tree hugging hippie liberal pinko communist. (okay, maybe not a pinko communist, but i did get called a fanatical tree hugger last summer while working for Greenpeace. it was pretty damn funny.) in any case, i'm really big on being green and socially responsible and have been an activist for the past 5 years and attend protests quite often. i love living in DC!
6. i'm a frightfully horrible singer, yet i sing all the time. (my friends all tell me i'm tone deaf.) i've actually made babies cry with my singing. my five year old godson always yells STOP SINGING! within seconds of me breaking into song. kids are so sweet. poor Leila had to suffer through my singing for 8 1/2 months, but she never once complained! (she apparently didn't know any better, lol)
7. i'm a snob. a beer snob! i'm awfully fond of beer and i'm really picky about what i will and won't drink. bud and miller? i stick my nose up at you :P
8. i'm a voracious reader. i have an insatiable need to learn new things. i prefer non-fiction and classics, but i'll read anything from shampoo bottles to toy boxes to candy wrappers. if there's text on it, i'll probably read it. i usually read three books at a time, because i can't wait to finish one before i start another. i think when i was pregnant i was reading 5 different pregnancy/parenting books at the same time! i also have a really bad habit of buying books that i don't need.... i have over 30 books on my shelf that i'v not gotten around to reading. i buy a couple, read one, then find a couple more books that i MUST HAVE; i tell you, it's a vicious cycle! (note to self: find a book buyers anonymous group.)
9. i loooooove fried food. i' m totally addicted to it. i have no idea why i'm not 300 lbs. i think the only fried food i dislike is okra. actually, i don't dislike it, i loathe it.
10. i'm completely in love with Johnny Depp. i've had a huge crush on him ever since i started watching 21 jump st in '87 (yes, that would have made me 5 years old). and i don't care how old he gets, i'm convinced he is the sexiest man that has ever walked this planet.

love,
christy

Sweet baby Jet

2009-09-01T19:22:00.006-04:00

My heart goes out to Mirne and Craig, two people I don't even know, after their third loss, the loss of baby Jet. No one should ever have to go through this once, let alone twice, most certainly not three times. It is simply not fair, not fair at all. I am grieving the loss with them, as I know many of you are. This candle burns for Jet tonight.

A smashing idea

2009-09-01T16:32:00.004-04:00

as you may know, i'm still angry at everything-myself, my midwives, the universe... i've always got the urge to scream and stomp and throw and break things, but have yet to let it get the better of me. i think i need to though. a mommy at my support group gave me an idea; she goes around to yard sales and flea markets looking for the ugliest ceramic pieces, buys them, and then when she feels the urge, she drives to the dump and screams and hurls them, shattering as many pieces as necessary. and i think that's a smashing idea.

oh, and last week i held a 4 day old baby girl.
and didn't cry.

my friends John and Amy just had their second baby, another daughter, after 5 miscarriages in between. Arriana Nicole was born on Aug. 20th about 5 weeks early with extreme jaundice, but is doing great now. when i found out i was a complete wreck, so many emotions crashing down on me at once. i was so incredibly happy for them; after all they'd been through this baby finally made it home. the last three years trying to conceive had been hell for them. they deserved this happy ending. but i couldn't stop thinking of Leila and why that couldn't have been us? why didn't i get to bring Leila home? it just simply isn't fair. and i was a little worried about complications, i suppose because now i just expect the worst and know oh so well how wrong things can go. we all do now, don't we?

so they invited me to come see the baby once they finally got to take her home from the hospital. i warned them that i'd probably be a big blubbering mess, but they said that it was okay, they understood, and it was okay to cry. i have an incredibly hard time being around pregnant women, babies and toddlers still, but i had a deep urge to hold this newborn, i'm still not sure why.

i cried alot in anticipation; i truly didn't think i could do it. and then i cried afterwards, but all the while holding that tiny little beautiful newborn, i didn't shed one single tear. i was in complete awe looking at this tiny being, wriggling, breathing, pink, ALIVE in my arms. my friend that went with me (it was her niece) asked to hold the baby and i bluntly said, "no, i'm not giving her back til it's time to leave."

oh my goodness gracious, i NEED another baby.....

Perfect

2009-08-15T23:13:00.002-04:00

I've read that parents with dead babies often turn their babies into saints, forgeting that children are individuals that grow up with faults and parenting is hard work (ha, as if parenting a dead baby is easy?) with sleepless nights, dirty diapers, ear infections, spit-up and colic, and that their child would have been difficult sometimes, with temper tantrums, attitude problems, maybe trouble at school. no child is perfect, right, that's what we can't forget? throughout my pregnancy i had no delusions that Leila would be a breeze to raise. i knew without a doubt, being MY daughter, even with Matt's gentle, patient demeanor weighing on her personality, that Leila would have been stubborn, bratty, defiant, quite the little trouble-maker. i was certainly no angel.

we all joked that Leila was going to be Perfect Just Like Me.

well, the joke really was on me, because Leila IS perfect, so very perfect, and always will be.

Adding insult to injury

2009-08-15T23:02:00.002-04:00

i'm about to move into a new place, and i have nothing. when i left santa fe to come home, pregnant, i left everything, gave it all away. i didn't expect to be living on my own with Leila for a while; i knew it would be years before i got back on my feet after my unexpected pregnancy. so now i have to start all over again. i can't stand it. i don't want to. every step back toward my old life is an insult. i hate it that i have to buy bathrugs because she's not here. dishes, because she's not HERE. a coffee maker. why? BECAUSE SHE'S NOT HERE. i told my dad that i hate it that i have to buy all new stuff now that i'm moving out on my own and he said, "tough, get over it. this is the life you chose." what?!

no, this is NOT the life i chose. i chose a life with Leila, changed everything and was prepared for her, i had everything set. i was ready for her. THIS is not the life i chose, a life trying to manage without her. FUCK this life. i am so angry at him for not seeing that. how can people who love us so much say such stupid things? just not get it? just hurt us so easily? it's beyond me. everything about babyloss is beyond me. i just can't grasp any of it.

oh, and one of my good friends, who already has three children and doesn't want anymore-her husband is scheduled for a snipping-told me over a week ago that she might be pregnant. she hasn't called back since. no news is not good news anymore, not when you're surrounded by eggshells.

how shitty of me to fear that my friends might get pregnant? before me? ugh, i hate how selfish i've become. i'm such a shitty friend now.

Catching up

2009-08-15T22:25:00.003-04:00

Last weekend was not so good. in fact, saturday was one of the worst days i've had in a while. friday i had an anxiety attack for the first time in several weeks. i hadn't been taking my xanax much this last month and i try not to, but after a long onset i started shaking and finally popped a pill. i couldn't fight it and my heart was pounding. i hate being taken over and not having control.

i did get it together enough to make it out to hooters with a few friends and managed to have a bit of fun. mmm, big frosty mug of sam adams. it's so sad that that's what brings me joy these days. but it's only temporary, and being the depressant that it is, it often times ends up leaving me a big blubbering mess, sobbing uncontrollably. i managed to stay reasonably okay friday night, but then saturday rolled around.

every saturday sucks for me, Leila was born on a saturday. 13 weeks ago today. i woke up and had my usual boring start to a usual boring day. but then i was reading blogs and something just triggered in me and i started spiraling into a depression. it's so easy. so i called Matt and then got even more upset because he was talking aout how his siblings are so unsupportive. they don't even acknowledge his grief. now i understand that they are very young (14 year old twins and 17 year old brother) but they are not too young to be sympathetic. for them, nothing happened. the 5 weeks that i was there visiting none of them mentioned it. they don't really care. this is not me being angrily overreactive, they really don't care. his 17 year old brother actually said to him, "well, you never wanted kids anyway, so why do you care?" WTF?! Matt was so beyond that. true, he never wanted children, but once he wrapped it around his head that he DID have a child, he loved and wanted Leila very much and eagerly looked forward to her arrival. their brother suffered a great loss and is grieving immensely and they couldn't care less. it hurts me so much that Matt is being treated like this. men get the short end of the stick in this situation anyway, but to not even get support from your own family just sucks. they lost their niece, their blood, but it doesn't bother them in the least. My poor Matt.

on top of all that there was a get together at my house that i forgot about and by the afternoon the house was full of children, 8 all together, plus 9 adults. it was a freaking zoo. but the kicker was that one of my foster sisters had not been told about Leila. i hadn't seen or talked to her since i was about 6 months pregnant.

"hey wait a second, where's the baby? i knew someone was missing. where's the baby?"

i fell into a million pieces. Leila's missing. she's always missing. yeah, and WHERE is she? i'd like to know too. i couldn't even answer her. everyone scrambled to save her from what she was asking, but it was too late. the knife had already been twisted. i don't know how much more my heart can take. i don't know how it's still beating. sometimes i just wish it would stop. just die peacefully in my sleep like my mother did.

hmphh. so i spent the whole day drunk, depressed and despondent. so drunk that i half walked into a wall right in front of my ex's girlfriend. had i not been so drunk i would have been really embarrassed, but i was too out of it to register anything at the time. go me.

what a crap-ass existence, this life without Leila.

Caution before reading

2009-08-10T23:02:00.005-04:00

i know that many of you have put disclaimers on your posts, even though i feel that you didn't need them. THIS post needs one. really. this post deals with abortion, so PLEASE stop reading here if this offends or upsets you. i'd rather you not read this post than stop reading my blog.

well, even if you are still reading this, i know some of you will stop reading my blog after this one. it may anger you. i know not one dead baby mama who has written about abortion. but my blog is about my loss and my feelings, and this plays very much into my current grief, and i cannot apologize for my past, or my feelings, but i do apologize for offending anyone. that's never my intention.

this post is about my first pregnancy. my first loss. my self-inflicted loss, though i could just as easily say that for my second loss, by my apparent incompetence at being a mother. i couldn't even keep Leila alive despite all my best efforts; i failed at keeping her safe, being responsible for her life.
which is why it hurts so badly that i am still childless after two pregnancies. i chose to end the first one, for so many reasons, and that choice killed me. i was 20. so unhealthy and on drugs. 85 lbs. i couldn't live with myself if i had caused deformities or retardation in my baby. i was convinced that i couldn't carry to term even if i wanted to. i can't even list the drugs i did during the first month that i did not know i was pregnant. and my boyfriend at the time, who wanted to marry me and have children, did not want that baby. he told me he wanted me to get an abortion. we weren't ready, he said. and i was afraid that i'd die young too, like my mother, and that i'd just leave my child motherless. alone. it was a very real fear. my mother would never see me graduate, get married, be pregnant, give birth, raise children. i needed her for these things right? how could i have a child when i never had my own mother to teach me how to be a mother myself? i needed more time to figure out how to be a mother. i couldn't be a good mother then anyway, despite the fact that my biological clock had already started ticking. i could barely take care of myself, i wasn't finished being selfish. and what if i just passed on my shitty genes to my child and they would die of cancer too?
so i made the decision.
god, i cried all night before that most horrific, devastating morning i took my first child's life away. who could sleep through that guilt, that heartbreaking, gut wrenching revelation that you were going to end your first child's life not because They didn't deserve to live, but because You didn't deserve to be a mother? because they deserved a life better than what you could give them.
i grieved that loss so hard for so long, i still do. i live with that choice every day of my life, just as i live with the fact i couldn't protect Leila from death though i tried to. now this second loss is compounded by the fact that i could very well have a living child today if my circumstances had been different. my regret has increased many times over and my fear of never bearing a living child ever so increases. did Leila die because of my first choice?
did i deserve this second loss?
am i not worthy to be a mother now?
was Leila that first child?
will she come back to me again?
the questions haunt me. will i ever know? this loss has forced me to face my abortion up close again. relive it again. hate myself again.
i never forgave myself for that abortion, though i thought it was the best decision at the time. but now i can't help but think that my regret is truly legitimate and that my baby would have been alright and we could have made it. that i deserved to lose Leila because of my choice. i thought i was making the best decision at the time given the circumstances, but i hate myself nonetheless. Leila should not have been my firstborn. i can only hope that she will not be my last child.

Karma

2009-08-07T18:32:00.004-04:00

this post is a reply to Angie's post Karma

i remember sitting in my hospital bed holding Leila's lifeless body shortly after giving birth and saying to my dad, "i must have been a horrible person in my last life. i lost my mother AND my daughter."
i'm agnostic which is just another way of saying i have no fucking clue. i really don't. since Leila's death i've been thinking about alot of things, including karma. i talked about it with my dad's best friend who is a Buddhist. i didn't get any good answer, nothing that i could really accept, nothing that comforted me. was it my karma that caused their deaths or their own karma? what could anyone possibly do to inherit such awful karma that a loss such as this could be warranted? death does not only affect that who dies. it affects all that suffer the loss of their loved one. would it then be the collective karma of all who suffer the loss? we are all connected-is our karma intertwined? i haven't the faintest idea. i just don't understand these things. it kills me to think that Leila died for my own karma, or that my mother's cancer was because of my karma accrued from a previous life. after alll, what karma could a two year old have? i hate to think that i suffered the loss of my mother because of her karma. nothing makes any sense to me. even if i do everything possible in this life to collect good karma, i am still subject to the bad karma accumulated in a past life, so is there no way to protect those that i love from suffering for my actions in a previous life? it just seems so unfair. i don't get it, i don't understand karma or the governing laws of the universe. i am, however, convinced that the universe is not my friend.
i've heard people say that people who get cancer were bad people in former lives. that makes me blood-boiling mad. bad things happen to good people; were we all horrible people in former lives? me, my mother, Leila? i hate to think that. those sorts of comments are just a meek explaination for something that we cannot understand. that's what all religions do. i hate that. though i hate it that i don't understand and i'm lost and confused, i accept the fact that i will never know WHY these things happened and i don't believe i'll ever find a good enough reason for them to have happened. ever.

How selfish of me....

2009-08-03T12:15:00.002-04:00

.... to ask Leila's yet conceived, unborn younger brother or sister to help me make it through this hell? it's so much responsibility, so much to carry upon their shoulders. how can i ask so much of my next child? how can i ask so much from what i don't yet have, what i am not yet even guaranteed?
i'm so sorry baby, for asking so much of you before you are even here. but i want you, need you so very badly. i can't wait to see you. i love you already.

Touch

2009-08-03T12:10:00.002-04:00

i touch things just to make sure they're real, that i'm really here, that the pain isn't imagined. to know that this world is really cruel and it's not all in my head. i want to pick everything up and break it. throw it and scream and wail and stomp. shake the ground and resurrect all that's been lost. but i don't have that power. that's just crazy talking. babyloss talking.

Wishing, wanting, weeping

2009-08-03T12:05:00.003-04:00

i keep trying to pretend she's here. i keep trying to make the past a dream. thinking that if i just visualize her hard enough she'll appear. needless to say, it hasn't worked. if it had, i'd have left you all behind, into the deepest recesses of my mind. if that were possible, i'd choose to never leave, never rejoin this real world, never leave my Leila.
here i'm afraid i'll never lose this longing, this yearning for her. i'm afraid the hurting will never end. the wishing, wanting, weeping will follow me forever. i don't know how to make it stop.

I think I hate the sky

2009-08-03T11:59:00.002-04:00

i remember that morning, the last day at the lake house, the day after i wanted to commit suicide. i couldn't sleep much, i was up before the sun. i walked out onto the dock while everyone else was sleeping and sat to watch the sunrise. it sucked. i knew that Leila would never see the sunrise. never see the water ripple and reflect the light. never hear the birds and bullfrogs singing to the morning.
how do i live each day without her? how do i find breath each day when she could not? i wish upon every star in the sky for this pain to stop, and every star turns its back on me.

"Do you have any kids?"

2009-08-03T11:55:00.002-04:00

i went to go look at the room that i'm renting. it's not ready yet and the man who is cleaning it up asked me if i had any children. i don't really know him and didn't want to get into a conversation about it so i opted for the "easy" answer. i said no.
but then he said, "you should have some!"
oh how i wanted to die.
"i had one, but she died."
"oh, i'm sorry." and he acted like it was nothing.
just polite conversation.

Holding it together

2009-08-03T11:51:00.003-04:00

a few days ago i drove home from chicago, listening to music the whole way. on the road trip to chicago i had so much time to think i thought i'd break down and cry and have to pull over. but i didn't. on the way back home i almost did. just listening to music, hearing a simple line that would really get to me, bring me to tears. i almost lost it a couple of times, but i didn't, i held it together. i fought it. that's what it seems like i'm always doing. fighting it. always pretending i'm okay. always keeping it together.
"i'm normal."
"i'm normal."
"i'm alright."

Nightmare

2009-08-03T11:41:00.002-04:00

a few nights ago i drempt that Leila was alive, that she was just a couple weeks old. yes, she had been stillborn, but she had been resuscitated after about five days and she was alive. but after a couple of days she was kidnapped while we were at the zoo (the zoo!) i kept looking for her everywhere and was so mad that nobody was helping me look for her or report that she was missing. i was looking for her everywhere, went back to the zoo to check every stroller to see if it was her. i was so worried that since she was newborn and they change so much in the first weeks and months that i wouldn't recognize her. and someone else must be breastfeeding her and she was bonding with someone else and she wouldn't remember me. after some time i realized that the reason no one was helping me was because she wasn't really alive. she hadn't been kidnapped. they knew. i had just gone off the deep end. she was really dead. and i had gone crazy. i'm so afraid that i'm going to go crazy in real life, but that i won't know it. i feel like i'm so close. there is this darkness waiting. hovering around me. wanting me. ready to swallow me up. i don't know how much longer i can keep it at bay.

Old fears

2009-08-03T11:34:00.003-04:00

i by no means knew Leila was going to die, well not conciously anyhow, but while i was pregnant i had this fear that something unthinkably tragic was going to happen. awful scenarios would play out in my head: getting pulled over by a cop and him mistakenly thinking that i was going for a gun instead of my registration and shooting me in my belly; getting mugged and beaten or shot in my belly; or even just someone not knowing that i was pregnant and playfully throwing me over their shoulder and crushing Leila. i'm sure fears like that are ridiculous, but shitty stuff happens to me, and even still, i didn't think that they WOULD happen. for some stupid reason i thought i was safe. i was just having menacing but unfounded fears. now i look back and wonder, were they? how the hell could i have possibly known what was coming? i sure as hell wasn't trying to self-fullfill a prophecy. Leila was very much wanted. now it really bothers me, all those fears. i don't think i ever told anybody about them, because they were silly to me and i didn't want to give any credit to them. i don't think anybody would have ever guessed that this would have happened, regardless.

Zoo again? no thank you

2009-07-28T20:41:00.002-04:00

i agreed to go to the zoo again tomorrow. what the hell was i thinking?! summertime at the zoo: babies, babies everywhere. and on the anniversary of my mother's death? oh no. tomorrow is going to suck enough. i'm going to have to politely decline. i feel like a chump.

Leaving hospitals

2009-07-24T21:29:00.004-04:00

i remember the last time i saw my oba (grandmother). it was late at night the day before i left okinawa to go back home. we left the hospital and as we were driving away i started crying, realizing that that was the last time i'd ever see her. i wanted to jump out of the car and run back to the hospital to lay down next to her again in her tiny hospital bed. i new she would die there. i didn't feel like that when i left Leila in the hospital. she was dead. what could i have done? run back to the hospital and crawl into the refrigerator to hold her one last time? rock her little body in the morgue and will her back to life with my tears? Leaving your dead baby at the hospital and walking out of those doors empty handed is the most heinous injustice any new mother could ever suffer.

public

2009-07-24T21:13:00.002-04:00

i took matt out for a belated birthday dinner (since i ruined his) at a little thai restaurant. this is us: a couple sitting at a tiny table in the window, holding hands, staring out the window at the couple sitting across the street with what looked like a quarter asian baby girl. not that Leila looked at all asian, lol, she looked just like her daddy who is irish. i'm sure the few other guests might have thought we were being romantic, maybe fantasizing about becoming parents, oh how cute. no. not us. we ARE parents. sadly and jealously watching another couple dote on their baby girl, thinking, that should be US! why can't that be US!
a similar situation when we went out to eat yesterday-we got seated and as soon as the hostess walked away that distinctive newborn cry bellowed out right next to us. i immediately jumped up and asked to be seated anywhere except but next to that baby. i don't think the hostess noticed how frantic i was (i was on the verge of a panic attack) so i'm sure she thought i was just a bitch and didn't want to be bothered by a crying baby while i was eating. quite the opposite. i wish with all my heart that Leila was "bothering" me while i was trying to eat. she should be. but i didn't tell the hostess that our baby just died and that's why we wanted to move to another table. who the hell wants to hear that? it's so awkward. so i opted to look like a bitch instead. and that's why sometimes i hate going out into public. i never know when i'm going to freak out. that was by no means the first time i've seen or heard a baby since losing Leila. in fact i've seen a ton of newborns, toddlers, and pregnant women, but sometimes the sight and sounds hit me like a ton of bricks and i'm back in that deep hole again, and sometimes i don't even want to crawl back out. i never know if i'm going to be okay that day seeing babies, or if it's going to send me in a downward spiral.

i ruined Matt's birthday :(

2009-07-24T20:44:00.002-04:00

i ruined matt's birthday night. we went to his uncle's lake house in WI with his family and a few of their friends on Leila's two month birthday. i was okay that day (as well as i ever am these days). but the next day on matt's birthday i was a complete mess and horribly depressed. matt and i were sitting on the dock drinking, crying and talking about the events surrounding Leila's death and it was the first time that i had felt suicidal since she died. his family called us in for dinner and matt reluctantly went in after i talked him into leaving me alone. i couldn't stop crying and felt that i couldn't get it together and go face his family and pretend to be in a celebratory mood. and i certainly had no appetite. i felt so guilty for not going in, but i just couldn't do it. how shitty am i? while sitting on the dock with my feet dangling in the water i kept thinking to myself, two feet of water is plenty to drown in right? just one big gulp of air into my lungs and i'd be floating amongst the reeds. but how awful it would be for his family to find me dead, and on poor matt's birthday no less. i couldn't do that to them, to matt. i'm not That much of a bitch, if maybe that selfish. so matt came back out and talked me into coming back it, it was getting pretty cold. everyone else went out onto the lake in the boat and when they came back matt opted out of cake a presents for my sake, against my wishes. i feel so horrible and guilty. i feel like such a burden. when i see my reflection in matt's eyes i see such a sad person. i hate that that's what he sees when he looks at me. who wants to be around that all the time?
so anyway, don't worry, i'm okay right now. i'm not suicidal. although some days i feel that if i don't get pregnant again soon i might be. i feel as though i don't have anything to live for anymore. when i got pregnant with Leila all of my priorities shifted. but there was still a list of them. now that Leila is gone, they've changed and/or disappeared. i don't really care about much anymore-not finishing school, starting my career, activism-just BABY. it's just awful! if i were pregnant again i'd have another life to be responsible for, to live for, to love. i want my rainbow baby. but i think i'm not ready yet.
some days i feel like i'm desperately clinging to the edge, and some days i want to let go. let it all go. would it be more comfortable to be insane? would it hurt less? if i let go of what sanity i have left, will the pain go with it? i guess i don't really want to find out firsthand, but i would be interested in knowing. then again, a crazy person couldn't really tell you, would they? how do you judge what's real and legitimate from someone who has lost touch with reality? oh jeez, i think i'm done with this topic, it's driving me nuts! whew!

alternate universe anyone?

2009-07-24T20:25:00.002-04:00

i live an alternate life in some other universe-this universe being in my head-where i'm caring for a newborn and have no knowledge of the shitty existence of this other me. i walk around in disbelief that this is my life. that this horrific event happened to me. i know i'll never wake up to find that this was a dream. i know i'll never wake up to find Leila cuddled up next to me in bed.
on Leila's two-month birthday i went to visit my mother's grave for the first time in many many years. i took Leila with me. three generations together for the first time. one six feet under, one in an urn, and one still trapped in flesh on this earthly plane, motherless, daughterless. my life sucks. i think it's crazy that my mother is buried just down the street from matt's house, about 30 minutes down a slow, winding road along the shore of lake michigan, off the very same street matt lives off of. while this doesn't sound strange at first, i should mention that i live in dc, and matt and i met and conceived Leila in santa fe, nm. and now my mother's granddaughter's father lives down the street from where she is buried (where nobody goes to visit her, by the way). so what were the odds? hmm, odds. we all think so differently about odds now, don't we? and now that the school that matt and i met at has gone under, he applied and just got accepted to one of my second-choice schools. so that brings me to wonder if our school had closed earlier, would we both have been going to this same school in chicago? would we have met anyway and conceived Leila no matter what? i wonder about these things and sometimes i go a little crazy because i truly have no idea how the universe works or if it has all these plans for everybody. if it does have plans, i sure got assigned a shitty one. umm, excuse me universe, hello. can i have a different plan please? a happy one? i don't like the one i have and quite frankly, i'm not handling it so very well. yes, i need a reassignment.

stretch marks :P

2009-07-24T20:14:00.003-04:00

i haven't been writing lately, so i'm trying to catch up and i'm sorry for bombarding you all with a zillion blogs....
some good (but lame) news: the stretch marks on my breasts are fading. the line down my belly (what's that called again?) and the one stretchmark above my belly button are fading too, but i'm not happy about that at all. (i know, many of you are scoffing-ONE stretchmark?!) those ones are my beauty marks from Leila's gestation-happy reminders. those i want to keep. i think the reason i differentiate between the ones on my breasts and the ones on my belly are because, one, my breasts didn't even grow huge or fast, but also more because they didn't get to do their job. my belly did it's job for 36 weeks-it failed-but it tried. those marks are to show for all of the happy times with my baby. but my breasts didn't nurse my baby. they grew fat with milk after she died and they were no longer needed for any service, but they produced milk anyway to cruelly remind me that Leila was gone. I think that's why i hate the stretch marks on my breasts so much-each and every one of them is in vain.

zoo trip

2009-07-11T17:44:00.000-04:00

Two days ago Matt and I went to the zoo with my cousin and her kids. Not so much fun. For me, what really gets to me is babies and toddlers and pregnant women. For Matt, it’s all kids and pregnant women. I find myself staring at pregnant women and their little babies all the time, and at the zoo, well, I was completely preoccupied. I kept telling Matt that I want another baby. I’ve wanted another baby since I lost Leila, but that trip to the zoo was the kicker. I’m so desperate now it’s just awful. I’ve asked Matt, who doesn’t want any more children, if he’s SURE several times. I know it must be getting on his nerves, but also making him feel horrible for me. He knows how unhappy I am. But I know that I really need to finish school and be in a stable relationship before I get pregnant again, and that hurts me so much more cuz I have no idea when that will happen and I don’t wanna wait that long for my rainbow baby! I want to be pregnant yesterday! I know that another baby will not replace her or fix everything, but I Need that life in my belly again, that baby in my arms, ALIVE. And I know that if I Do get pregnant again, everyone will be disappointed in me, thinking that I did it on purpose (which in all honesty, might be true) but they don’t know what this is like. It’s not simply wanting a child. It’s knowing that you are a mother, and you have no child. It’s just wrong. And having another baby would right that, though not erase the tragedy of losing your child. It does not bring them back, but your arms will no longer be empty. I can’t stand these empty arms.

I’m still obsessing over what I “should have done”. I know it does me no good but I can’t let it go. I can’t get over the fact that I maybe could have saved her. I still feel like it was my fault. It’s been 8 weeks and I still cannot stop going over and over the events and wishing I had done something differently. I know there is absolutely nothing that I can do now, but I simply cannot get passed the regret. Matt keeps telling me that he hates it that I keep blaming myself, that there was nothing that I could have done, but I know there must have been. I want to argue it with him ‘til he gets it, but I don’t want to convince him of it either and have him blame me and hate me, cuz I can’t even forgive myself. I couldn’t handle him, or anybody else for that matter, blaming me. I just cannot stop thinking that if I had done something differently I’d have her in my arms right now. I Should have her in my arms right now, but I fucked up. I was responsible for her Life and I seriously fucked up.

feeling disconnected from the club

2009-07-06T19:00:00.003-04:00

I'm in the library right now so I can read online and post, but it's uncomfortable reading these kinds of blogs in public, you know? at least i can blame my sniffles on my cold. but still, i feel really awkward.

July 4, 2009

I know I don’t actually know the people who’s blogs I read, but I kind of feel like I do, and even though reading their stories makes me cry, or rather I should say Let me cry, cause I need to, they help me keep my sanity. Unfortunately, since I’ve been at Matt’s parents’, the only internet connection is in the living room so I haven’t been able to read anybody’s blogs or gone on the stillbirth forums. It’s driving me insane! I tried to go online a couple of times in the living room when nobody was in there but I couldn’t hide my tears when people walked through and I just feel uncomfortable with no privacy. I need to read your stories and cry with you dammit! Reading books and writing is very helpful but doesn’t cut it. I need my other Mamas!

I had a dream last night that I was with Matt’s mom and she was flying a rocket ship. And we were going down. I immediately felt this intense conviction that I was going to die, and I thought, so This is why Leila died, because I was going to die.
I’ve been convinced for the past few weeks that the only good enough reason for Leila leaving was that either I or Matt or both of us were going to die soon. Since Leila died I’ve been much more paranoid that people around me are going to die, especially Matt and my dad, which I’m sure is somewhat normal.

July 6, 2009

After watching the fireworks Matt and I went over to his friend’s house to play pool. After a couple of drinks we were all having a good time, telling inappropriate jokes, and his friend accidentally told a dead baby joke. I can’t even remember the joke, all I remember is hearing “dead baby”. I know what kind of response this would elicit from all of us: anger. But I wasn’t angry at him. As soon as he realized what he had said he immediately felt horrible, as did Matt and I, but I felt bad for him. Matt and I are those people that you have to tiptoe around now, feel uncomfortable around, that make you feel bad with absolutely no effort. I hate that we’ve become Those people. There will always be an elephant in the room with us. There will always be this unspoken matter that has to be handled delicately, but more uncomfortably, it has to be Remembered, so as not to be absentmindedly broken. I feel like I have pariah written on my forehead.

I used to always point out when I saw Leila or McKenzie written anywhere, and say, “That’s my daughter’s first or middle name!” with excitement. Some people would know what I meant, since they knew the name I had picked out for her when I was 19, but others would ask, surprised, if I had a daughter. “Well, no, I don’t have her yet, but I will one day,” I would reply with all the confidence in the world. Now every time I see her name anywhere it just makes me sad and fills me with longing for my lost baby girl. I don’t say, “That’s my daughter’s name,” even though I want to scream it out. Cause then it’ll be, “Oh, you have a daughter?” “Well, yes, I had a daughter, but I don’t have her anymore. She died.”

Kinda going crazy.....

2009-07-03T17:36:00.003-04:00

June 25, 2009

Last night Matt and I were driving around looking for a friend’s dog that we had lost. After about 30 minutes of driving around calling the dog’s name I said, “I’ve got half a mind to start calling out Leila”. “Actually,” Matt said, “I was just thinking the same thing.”

June 29, 2009

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything. I’ve been busy and unable to write, or even grieve much. I’ve not had much time alone. I took a road trip to Chicago to visit with Matt and his family and mine as well. This weekend I flew to florida to visit my sisters with my father and I’ll be returning on Wednesday to Chicago. I really needed to get away, run away from everything really. I thought it would be good for me. I just haven’t had as much time to myself as I’d originally thought. But Matt will be working again soon and I’ll have more time to take care of myself and grieve in solitude. So I guess I should try to air out some of what I’ve been carrying around for the past two weeks.

I’m tired of people asking me “what’s wrong?” hmm, I’m sorry, have you forgotten? My baby died. That’s what’s wrong! That’s what’s Always wrong. I wish everyone would stop asking that. I’m also tired of people presuming to know what is best for me, what I need. You have no idea what I’m going through! I know everybody means well, but it’s annoying and insulting that people think that they understand and should tell me what I need to do. No, being around your baby will Not be good for me. No, I don’t Need to be working again. No, I don’t Need to go back to school yet. And NO, I certainly don’t Need to put my faith in god. If there is a god then I hate him for taking my Leila away from me and he can kiss my ass.

I haven’t screamed since Leila died. Not out loud. But I cry and scream in my head at least once a day, sometimes several times a day. I’m sure everyone thinks I’m doing fine most of the time. Outwardly I do look fine, most of the time. But I’m screaming and violent inside. When I’m doing dishes I’m screaming. Riding in the car, I’m screaming. Sitting on the couch, walking through the airport, lying in bed, I’m screaming.

I find myself avoiding talking about Leila to a lot of people. I don’t want to put myself in a position to be defensive. I don’t want to hear the wrong thing and fall apart and snap at anybody. I’ve heard plenty of insensitive things, but what I dislike the most is the religious talk. Most everybody I know knows that I’m not religious, but yet many feel the need to still try to respond with religious comments. Most of the time the comments just infuriate me and I have to bite my tongue. I don’t like to have to feel defensive. I just want some fucking compassion and empathy. I don’t need your god. So I feel more and more limited in my support. I’m afraid that at some point I’m going to feel completely alienated. The support is fizzling out already anyway, as is common after a month or so, and the real loneliness is ahead so I don’t want to shut people out or push them away. I’m just having a hard time finding the type of support that I need. Where are all of the atheists and agnostics that have lost their babies?! And why is there so little support for us? I’ve searched the internet, the support groups, books, and there’s very little out there for us. It makes it even lonelier and harder to cope.

I was afraid that on the plane to visit my sisters I’d get sat next to a baby and completely freak out and lose it. I’d been sort of obsessing about it for a couple of weeks. How horrible would that be? I’ve been trying to avoid babies and pregnant women like the plague recently, but now that I’ve left the safety of my room and actually get out of the house, they seem to be everywhere. So friday on the flight to florida there was a mother with a 7 week old baby girl sitting directly behind me. Leila would have been 6 weeks on Saturday. I was dying. I cried, and of course, the man sitting next to me ignored me, thank goodness. I half wanted to ask the flight attendant to move me, but I thought it’d be too much of a hassle and draw attention to me. But really, I actually wanted to turn around and ask that woman if I could hold her baby girl. All I could do was stare out the window and cry until I fell asleep. After I got off the plane I stopped at a bar while waiting for my connecting flight and had two gin and tonics and two cigarettes for lunch. And cried at the bar. Hell, I cried all damn day.

I’m mad at my doctor for inducing me right away. It was too soon. I had no time to think about anything, to assess the situation and research my choices. I didn’t know I had any. I was so grief stricken and in shock and didn’t know what I was supposed to do in this situation. Nobody is prepared for that. Had I known what I know now I would have asked them to wait to induce me until Matt was there with me. At first I was kind of grateful that he did not have to go through that because I thought that it would have been too hard for him to handle and that he was lucky to have been spared that experience, but I look back now and think that he really deserved to have been there. In the long run it would have helped him to grieve had he had the chance to spend what little time she was here with her. Sure, it was the most horrible thing to go through, but he would have at least been able to see her birth and to hold her in his arms and take pictures with her and have memories. All he has to hold on to are the few minutes we saw her at the funeral home. He only got to kiss her once.

July 2, 2009

There is a physical feeling in my body that I cannot explain or describe. I cannot wrap my head around what happened and I’m afraid that I might go crazy. I’m genuinely afraid. I’m literally shaking right now. I’m having trouble typing. I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle this. I hold Leila’s urn and can’t understand how she ended up as ashes. I had a baby and all I have to hold and look at is a red metal heart filled with ashes. It doesn’t make any SENSE. How can I come to terms with and live with something that is senseless? Our bodies are made to create life but instead I expelled death out of my body. What does that make me? What does that make my baby? What is a child that dies before being born? What Was she while I cradled her dead body in my womb before I gave her up to the world? What is that time called? That space? Was I carrying more than life and death inside my body?

I started my period again today. Just some cruel reminder that I’m fertile, yet cannot produce a live baby. I had forgotten until I had lost Leila that the first time I was pregnant I was convinced that I could not carry to term. I was extremely unhealthy at the time, which was my reasoning, but now it seems some sort of eerie premonition.

I had wanted to wait until my early thirties to have a child because my mother had died at 29. I know it’s silly, but I had this fear that if I had a child before then that I would die too and leave my child motherless. But it wasn’t me that died. Why was it not me? I would rather it had been me instead. Maybe I’m invincible, death will never find me and I’ll be tortured with life for the rest of eternity. Ha, maybe I’m already in hell. I think maybe that’s what this is. Hell.

Letters to Leila VI

2009-06-16T23:28:00.000-04:00

June 12th

Hey little girl. Today was my due date. I’m wearing the same pink dress that I wore on Mother’s day a week before you died. I had been looking forward to this day for eight months. I couldn’t wait to finally meet you. Then after I lost you I dreaded this day for four weeks. I knew it would be terrible, but it is so much worse. I am sorry to say that I am angry with your father. He knew how hard this day was going to be for me, and said that he would be there for me, but he wasn’t. I told him I just didn’t know what I was going to do today, and he said yes you do, you’re going to call me. Well, he didn’t have time to talk today. It put things into perspective for me. It made me feel horrible, worse than I thought I could when I was already so low today. I already felt abandoned by him when he left me a week after you died, but I knew that he needed to be alone, even though I needed him so much then. I still do. But today, my due date, when I needed him the most since he’d left, he was not there for me. But as much as it sucks, I suppose I needed to finally realize that I am alone in this, that I always was, and that I always would be. I am a single mother to you. He tried, but he can never be what I need. He will never be able to be there for me the way that I need him to be. And it’s so, so awful because he is the only one who could fill that spot. Nobody else could go through this with me but him. We made you together. But yet, I am still all alone. I don’t have you, and I don’t really have him. You were with me for eight and a half months, every day, all day, but now you are gone, and I don’t have your daddy either, and I am ALL ALONE. It doesn’t matter how many people surround me, I am still alone. Their love for me can never replace the love that you would have filled my life with. I miss you so very much, I feel like I am dying inside. Just like the way you died inside me. Are you lonely too? Are we both alone? I hope that you are at peace, where ever you are. I can’t stand the thought of you suffering any longer; I hope that you feel no fear. I wish that I could be there with you, that you were here with me. I miss you so much baby girl, and I send all of my love to where ever you may be. –Mommy

June 13th

So now that I am in this sad club of mothers who have lost their children I have learned some new lingo. A rainbow baby is the baby that comes after the baby you’ve lost. I want my rainbow baby. I want to be pregnant again so badly; to have another baby. I wish I didn’t need a rainbow baby, I wish I had you. That rainbow baby will not be you and it could never replace you. But my arms so empty and my breasts need a baby to nurse and my heart so desperately wants to be a mommy. Again. Why aren’t you here? I may never know the reason. I’ll certainly never understand even if I know. I’m supposed to be nursing you now. Caring for you. Attending to your every need. The only parenting I ever got to do for you was sign papers at the hospital and funeral home. That was all. The only papers I will ever sign as your mother; it was so surreal. Signing papers as your mother for the first time, knowing that they would be the last. But at least they acknowledged that I was your mother, that you existed, even though you never got a birth or death certificate. I hope with all of my heart that your little brother or sister, my rainbow baby, will get a birth certificate. I can’t wait to see if he or she looks like you. I mean, I know that he or she will not look Just like you, since your daddy doesn’t want anymore children, but maybe they will have some of the same features. You did look a little like me after all. I’ll always wonder what you would have looked like as you grew up. But I’ll always know that you would have been absolutely gorgeous.

Letters to Leila V

2009-06-16T23:27:00.000-04:00

June 8th (your grandpa’s 55th birthday)

This event has changed some of the relationships in my life. I’ve definitely grown closer to your daddy, closer to your autie Sarah. Many people that I hardly knew have reached out and offered their support. And I’ve been surprised that some people, even people that were looking forward to seeing you, have not spoken to me, or have distanced themselves. I wonder if these changes are permanent. I wonder how I’ll feel about them later when things seem to be more normal. I know this is difficult for a lot of people, and maybe some don’t even really care, after all, it happened to me, not them. I have a hard time dealing with the way people are trying to deal with me. It’s uncomfortable and a little annoying for everyone I guess. People don’t really know how to deal with me and what to say. And despite their best intentions, many people unknowingly say things that hurt my feelings. Most times I don’t feel like I can tell them that they are, especially the people that are closest to me.

Once again, I thought I was finally done lactating, but I was wrong. I miss you so much and want you here so badly that my body is still physically yearning for you. I want to hold your tiny body against mine and nurse you so badly. A few months ago I dreamt that I was nursing you and I could actually feel you suckling. It was so real. One of my biggest fears while I was pregnant was that I would not be able to breastfeed. I’m not quite sure where the fear originated, maybe it was that my breasts were not growing and changing like I thought they were supposed to. I thought that my breasts would not work. Silly thought I suppose. Now I know that they work, but I still don’t know what it is like to nurse my baby. I had heard of so many women who could not breastfeed their children for many different reasons and I was afraid that I would be one of them. I did not know that my reason for not being able to breastfeed you was because you would never take your first breath.

It never occurred to me that I could lose you. I was completely blindsided. I mean I knew things like this could happen, but I never thought it could happen to me. Sure, I worried about you often times, but I never thought that you could die. My pregnancy seemed so easy; no problems, we both seemed so healthy. I worried about you those last weeks when you weren’t as active, but I never, Never thought that you would live anything less than a full life. I saw you in my dreams as a little girl. So did your daddy. Those were only hopes…. I still can’t believe that you are gone, that we will never be able to watch you grow up. I can’t believe that I was so naïve to think that my pregnancy and delivery could be easy. That something so horrible could not happen to me, ME. How stupid of me. My life has never been wonderful and easy. So why had I thought that I was exempt now? It’s almost as if you paid the price for my bad luck. I am so sorry. I hope that you know that I would do anything to have you back, and if I could go back in time, I would have done things better. I’d have been more aware and worried more and acknowledged that you were not a guarantee. It was arrogant of me to think that I was entitled to have you. But I loved you and wanted you so badly. I still do.

When I was a little girl someone once told me that when you died you became a star. That my mom was a star. I wonder if you are a star. I look up at the night sky and wonder if I have my own little star up in the heavens. I am not religious, I don’t believe in a personal god, but your death has shaken me to my core and I do not know anything anymore. I do not know what to believe. I hate it that I do not know what you are or where you are. Most of all I just hate it that you are gone.

I used to be angry at my mother for a long time for leaving me. I knew it was not her fault that she died, but I couldn’t make sense of her death so I was just angry. Sometimes I was angry that she even had me, because she was going to die so soon, but she didn’t know that. But I was hurt and confused and young. But with you it is different. I could never be angry at you. You are just a baby. My baby. You could never do anything wrong. You never had the chance to. For that you will be innocent for all of eternity. Yet that doesn’t comfort me at all. I would rather have you give me reason to fuss at you for that would mean you were still with me. I’m much older now, and I understand that it isn’t your fault that you are gone. If anybody’s it’s mine. Nothing was ever your fault. You are a beautiful perfect darling little girl that will never have the opportunity to get into trouble like your mother did oh so often. Your daddy and I used to often wonder what you would grow up to be like. Which one of us you would take after. Sweet baby girl, we will still wonder for the rest of our lives. But we will always know that you would have grown up to be a wonderful, smart, beautiful, caring woman and gone on to do great things and made us proud. We love you so much.

You gave me such joy in the short 36 weeks you were with me. I’ll never regret you, I’ll always cherish every second you were with me, even the first trimester! You gave me the ability to love more than I thought I ever could. You gave me the most dignified purpose in life. You made me strive to be the best that I could be. I will see you in everything beautiful in my life, in the world. You are the most beautiful thing to ever come of my life. I remember seeing the painting that your daddy and your uncles Zach and JD made and wishing that your daddy and I had made a painting too…. But then realizing that your daddy and I made something so much more beautiful than that…. We made you. I will forever be a changed woman. Life will never be the same. Life will never be the same now that you have touched my heart, now that you are gone. [You’re the best thing that I ever had, the best thing that I ever, ever had…. you’re the best thing that I ever had, the best thing that I’ve had has gone away….]

Letters to Leila IV

2009-06-16T23:26:00.000-04:00

June 7th

I know that everyone around me loves me and is trying their best to support me. But I still feel all alone. No one really knows how I feel. No one knows exactly what I am going through. Not even your daddy. I carried you in my belly for almost nine months, feeling you growing inside me, kicking, pushing, rolling around and hiccupping. You were a part of me. I watched my body grow and change, eagerly anticipating the day I would finally get to see you and hold you. I talked to you everyday and sang to you, rubbed my belly, and played with you. I watched you moving around in my belly everyday. Your daddy never got to do these things. Of all the people in our lives I love you the most. I miss you the most. I have lost the most. I will be the one to grieve the longest. I will eventually be grieving alone. Everyone else has pretty much returned to their normal daily routines. Sometimes I wonder how the world has moved on, how everyone’s lives have kept on going. Mine has stopped. You were my whole world, and you were supposed to continue to be for the rest of my life. You changed my whole life and now that you are gone, I don’t know anything anymore. My darling little girl, I don’t know what I am going to do with out you. All of my hopes and plans for the future have been pulled out from under me. I have to figure out how to live without you now and I have no idea how to do that. I have no desire to. I miss you so, so much Leila and I want you back more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my entire life.

Your death has put into perspective the losses that have come before you. How trivial now seem the losses of the love of a man. I have never and will never love a man with the intensity that I love you. The love for your child is an unquestionable promise of love forever. The heartache that I’ve felt before cannot compare to the heartache I feel now over your loss, not even that of my own mother, whom I still love so deeply and dearly. I knew that I loved you before you were ever conceived, but I could not fathom the greatness of that love until I carried you.

It is said that healing will come once you find meaning in the loss. I cannot accept that there is a good enough reason for you to have been taken away from me. I cannot find meaning in your death. I can’t allow you to be a lesson. I hate the thought of you being brought into this world only to teach me something. You are greater than that, you deserve greater than that. How selfish of a god that would let you be made only to be a lesson? A child should never be used in such a way. You were much more to me than any human could comprehend. Your presence in my being was enlightening in ways I could never describe. The responsibility of something so beautiful as creating your life, of caring for you and protecting you was heavier than anything I had ever felt in my life. I almost feared it, but couldn’t for the immeasurable love I had for you. Your full life would have taught me much more than your untimely death ever could have.

Letters to Leila III

2009-06-16T23:23:00.001-04:00

June 5th-6th

I wake up everyday, sad and anxious, wanting to stay in bed and go back to sleep because I know this is just another day without you and nothing will ever change that. I hate having to get through another day. I want to do nothing but hold you in my arms, but my arms are empty, and my soul cries for you all day long every day. I miss you so much and all that we will never have together. I just can’t seem to let it all go. Each day that passes I am afraid that I am farther and farther away from you, and that saddens me even more, making me hold on even harder. Even though I wanted my breasts to stop lactating, now that your milk has gone, I find myself upset still, because it is one more lost connection with you. When I finally stop bleeding that will be yet another lost connection to you, another little step further away from you.

When my milk came in, it was so horribly achingly sad for me. That was Your milk, and my body just did not understand that you were no longer here. It was utterly heartbreaking. That day when I saw myself in the mirror after I showered and saw a tear of milk leaking from my left breast I cried hysterically; your daddy had to come into the bathroom and hold me. My body was crying for you, completely outside of my consciousness. The physical pain of not being able to nurse you on top of the emotional pain is something that no woman should ever have to go through. It was cruel to have that constant physical reminder that you were gone, especially when I had so looked forward to nursing you as soon as you were born, drug-free and flooded with oxytocin-the ultimate mother-child bonding experience. I hate that that experience was snatched away from us.

Those first days after your birth, my whole body hurt. Every ounce of my being ached and I didn’t have you, your love, your tiny toes and your beautiful face to comfort me. Everything is so unfair. I knew I had just had a baby, but something was terribly wrong; it was your absence, and nothing at all made sense. Each day as my body was trying to heal I couldn’t understand why I had to go through this. I didn’t have my baby. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. But now, three weeks later, people ask how I am, if I’m okay, if I’m healing, if I’m out doing things, if I’m back to work, and I resent them. Had you been alive I’d still not be ready to start doing things and going back to work. It’s as if they are insinuating that since you are no longer here, that this didn’t happen, that you didn’t exist, and I resent that, and I am incredibly insulted. You were more real to me than possibly anything I have ever experienced, and certainly more real to me than to anybody else, but I can’t stand it that anybody could expect me to be okay or have resorted back to normal life by now. How can any mother be okay after the loss of their baby? How can they give me a time limit? I will never get over you, I will never be ok with your death, and I will long for you for the rest of my life. Yes, my body is starting to heal, but emotionally I am still hurt beyond words. Your death has saddened my entire soul. A part of me has died with you. And from that I am afraid I will never recover.

I just changed my status on Myspace from “expecting” to “no answer”. I feel a little sick. I know in my heart that I am a parent. I carried you for eight and a half months and gave birth to you. That makes me your mommy. But for some reason I couldn’t change my status to “proud parent”. What am I? What am I supposed to tell people when they ask whether I have children or not? I had you, but I don’t have you anymore. But you are still mine, right? I suppose that I am just a parent without a child. But then would that imply that you are a baby without a mommy? That thought drives me insane. I am here, and I have no idea where or what you are now. Surely I am not just a mother to ashes in an urn.

I wonder if you miss me. If you miss being inside my belly.

Letters to Leila II

2009-06-16T23:20:00.002-04:00

June 3rd-4th

I am so sad that Matt was not able to be at your birth, even though you were a stillborn. I wish I could have told the doctors to wait until your father was here. I hate that he was not there to witness your birth, not ever able to hold you and see you right after you were born, not there to take pictures when the photographer came. I so desperately needed him there, for support, for his own sake, for you. It is not fair to you or him that he missed that experience. I’m so sorry that you never got to lie in your father’s arms; he loves you so very much, as do I.

I wonder if we are soul mates, if your soul belongs to me. If you are my child always in any form. I always knew that I would have you, Leila. I always wondered if my first child, the child that I aborted was you, and that I’d lost my chance to have you. During this pregnancy with you, when I found out that you were a girl, I knew it was You, and I wonder if you are the same soul. I now wonder if my next child will be you, the same soul, just a different body. I do not know; I am sure I will never know. I could never pretend to understand these things, the world, or even my own life. But I do understand that there is a connection between us, a connection that will never die, even if words could never express what is between us. I love you, little girl, I always have and I always will. -Mommy.

Sometimes I secretly wish I had been having twins. Maybe one of you would have survived. I wish that there was still one twin in my belly and that I’d give birth to another wonderful baby, this one alive and well. I’ve even tried to listen for a heartbeat on the Doppler at home, looking for you even though I know that you are really gone, or maybe a miracle baby twin that is still inside my belly. I’d do anything to have you back in my belly and healthy, waiting ‘til your due date. I’m supposed to still be pregnant. You are supposed to be still in my belly, bouncing and kicking and growing, getting ready for the world. I rub my belly wishing you were still there, never understanding why you had to leave. I remember those last couple of days while we were in the hospital, knowing that you were gone but still caressing my belly trying to comfort you. Trying to say good bye but not believing that you were really dead yet. It is the hardest thing trying to prepare yourself for giving birth to your dead baby. All the time at the birth center, on the way to the hospital, the time waiting for the ultrasound, even the trip back to the room after the ultrasound, I still held out hope that you were still alive. I couldn’t let myself believe that you had died in my womb. On the way to the birth center to see the midwife and then on the way to the hospital I pretended that I could still feel you move and that they must be wrong, this was just a horrible scare and you were alright. But finally back in the hospital room, waiting to be induced, I asked if they were sure, if there was nothing that they could do, that you were really gone and they said yes, not until then did I really hear and know that you were gone. But yet I still couldn’t believe it. I cannot remember at what point I believed that you were really dead. I still hoped that they were wrong and that I would give birth to you and you would be alive. I suppose it was when I was ready to push and gave birth to you that I knew you would not breathe, not cry and wriggle and nurse at my breast. I could no longer lie to myself and give myself the hope that you would live once you were born. I finally accepted that you were dead that night, but yet feel as though I cannot accept it now.

Everything about our story is heartbreaking. The loss for me, for your daddy, for our family, but most of all for you. Life is sometimes hard and sometimes ugly, but is beautiful nonetheless. I am so sorry that you were not able to experience it to its fullest. I am so heartbroken when I sit outside on beautiful days and know that you will never be able to hear the birds singing, feel the warm breeze, or see the sun shine. You were never even able to see your own parents who loved you so very much. Nor the family and friends who loved you as well. We never got to gaze lovingly into your beautiful eyes. I know this world would have been a better place for having you in it. I had such great hopes and dreams for you. Your father and I wanted to give you the best and teach you all that we could, to give you a wonderful good life. That was taken away from all of us. We will never be able to see you grow into a beautiful, smart young woman. But you will always be perfect. Perfect and innocent and pure. Living in our hearts for all eternity. My sweet, sweet baby girl, I will always love you.

They say that when you have a child it means having your heart walk outside of your body for the rest of your life. But you are gone now, and I have no idea where you are. I have no earthly idea of how I can possibly be living without my heart. I feel empty inside, empty in my belly and in my chest. I miss you so much sometimes it literally takes the breath out of me.

I can’t stand it that you died in my womb. It was the place that was supposed to protect and nurture you. In all my attempts to mother you the best that I could while you were still in my tummy, I completely failed you. I don’t know why or how it happened, and I may never know, but I am nevertheless forever sorry.

Letters to Leila I

2009-06-16T23:15:00.003-04:00

I've been writing to my daughter since June 1st. my blog won't replace that, but i'll post what i write to her here as well. this is what i've written so far...

June 1st - 2nd

I look at pictures of myself when I was a child, a teen, a young adult…. and can’t believe that that little girl is going to grow up to be the mother of a dead child. That she will have to suffer the loss of a child, her daughter. Leila, I always knew I would be your mommy. I loved you long before you were ever conceived. I even knew that you would come early. What I didn’t know, what I could never have imagined, is that you would die in my belly long before your time and that you would be born still and silent.

I regret not having gotten a good video of you when you were kicking in my tummy. I wanted so badly for your daddy to see you, and I thought surely he will be able to see and feel you in my belly when he came out to see us in June. I hate that he never had the chance.

I used to look at my belly with love and happiness and now I look at my belly with a heavy sadness and longing. I look in the mirror with confusion- I am not back to my pre-pregnancy body, though I’ve lost half the weight already, yet I am clearly not pregnant anymore. But there is no baby in my arms. There is absolutely nothing right about this. I swear I still feel you inside me sometimes. I cannot tell you how badly I wish it were really you.

I am so angry at myself for letting you down. I believed everyone when they told me that decreased fetal movement was normal near the end of pregnancy. That fetal heartbeats declined near the end. I didn’t trust my instincts when I was worried about you and trusted everyone else instead. I am so, so sorry. I feel it is my fault you are dead. That I didn’t save you. If I had only demanded that tests be done you might still be here. Even if it meant an emergency c-section and machines to keep you alive, you would still be here. I’ll never forgive myself, I am sorry from the very bottom of my heart. I find myself angry at my midwives as well. That they downplayed my concern for your well-being. And I think that maybe I was wrong in not seeing a doctor instead so that all the silly usually unnecessary tests that I didn’t want or think I needed could have been done anyway. Maybe the problem would have been caught in enough time. I seemed to have such a normal pregnancy, but obviously not so. I thought I was doing everything right, and now I regret so much.

I read about all these women who have gone through the same thing as I have, and so many of them have gone through it more than once and many have not yet had any children. I don’t want to have to go through this heartache again. It is true hell. I am so afraid that it will happen again or that I will not ever be able to carry to term and have a healthy live baby. I don’t know that I can live through this again. I don’t think I could handle it. Having another child will never replace you. That’s not what I want, but I want a child, a live child, that I can take home from the hospital and love and raise. I could not have that with you; I feel that we were both cheated. I would give anything to have you back. But there is absolutely nothing I can do to have that. I will love you always and cherish you and the short time I had with you and I will do anything to give you a brother or sister. One day I hope that you will have a little brother or sister, and I will tell them about you, and about how much I loved you and wanted you, how much I miss you.

Leila's one month birthday

2009-06-16T21:58:00.005-04:00

so yesterday was my postpartum visit with the doctor and she said all of the tests that were run came back normal. so they don't know why she died. what the hell am i supposed to do with that? they said that it was possibly placental abrubption, even though i did not have any pain or bleeding. i'm not satisfied with that. possibly? i want to know WHY?! how can i prevent something like this from happening again if i don't know what i need to do to prevent it? not knowing is killing me. i've been obsessed with trying to find out what happened, reading stuff on the internet, books, talking to my midwife. and i still can't find an explanation. WHY?!?!

i've not yet written my birth story. i'm still trying to put all of the pieces together. i can't remember alot of it, which kills me. i hate that i can't remember. in the mean time, i'm just going to write as things come to me. and i'll post what i've written so far, though none of it is organized. nothing in my life right now is in order. it's awful. Birth is the exact opposite of death. So when you prepare yourself your entire pregnancy for the beginning of new life, and all of a sudden you are encompassed with death, it turns your whole world upside down. Everything is completely shattered. so i apologize if this blog seems disjointed. my head is just a mess right now.

I’ve resumed drinking and smoking. I always said that I’d quit smoking when I got pregnant and that would be it. But I also thought that after I was pregnant I’d have a baby. I know it’s not good for me especially the drinking, emotionally. But it seems to help at the time. I was doing okay with it, just a few drinks to mellow me out and get me to sleep. But then after a week I got so sloppy drunk one night with the spins. I remember feeling so ashamed. If there was any possible way that Leila could have seen me, I know she would have been disappointed in me. I remember looking at her urn and saying that I was sorry. That’s not what a good mommy would do. But everything would be so completely different if she were still with me. Everything.

I’m not taking care of myself. I barely eat, I don’t exercise, I drink too much, smoke too much, sleep too much. Cooking, cleaning, laundry? What a joke. I don’t have good days yet, but I do have good hours. I’m still waiting for a good day. I’m so miserable, depressed, lonely and heartbroken I just don’t know what to do with myself most days. I just want to get through the day, but then another one comes and it’s the same shitty miserable day. Everyone tells you to just take it one day at a time, but I wake up everyday and Leila is still gone and that will never change, so how is it supposed to get better?

it has been exactly one month since Leila was born. Today is Leila’s one month birthday. And I can’t celebrate. I will never be able to celebrate any of her “firsts”. Never. i will never get to see her first smile, first teeth, first steps, first christmas, first birthday..... but i will be thinking of her during every missed milestone. i'll always be thinking of what she'd be doing at that moment in time. would she be rolling over? crawling? walking? eating solids? birthdays and holidays will never be the same. there will always be something missing. and rest assured, no one will be talking about it. which brings me back to my birth story.

i'm very fortunate to have such a great support group and people that care about me. there were a ton of people at my side when this tragedy happened. i unfortunately can't remember all of it, or wasn't awake, or aware of all that was going on. so i asked many of my friends and family to write what they recall, their persepective on it so that i may try to get things straight. i've not gotten anything yet. my dad and his fiance even said that they weren't comfortable with it. that they were MY memories. well how can i remember what i wasn't present for? i don't know what happened outside of my room, or while i was asleep, or simply because i was just plain grief sticken and in shock. what makes me mad is that if Leila had been born alive, everyone would be talking about it, reminiscing, telling me all of their stories of thier part in my experience. i'd here it over and over again. but because Leila died, nobody wants to talk about. and that's just not fair. it's not fair to her and her memory. it's not fair to me. acting like nothing happened or trying to sweep it under the rug won't make it go away. i know it's hard for everyone else too, but it certainly won't make ME feel any better, and i'm pretty sure I'M the one hurting the most. maybe i'm just being selfish by asking to people to remember it, to acknowledge her, and my pain as well. they haven't got a clue what i'm going through, and maybe they think they're better off just forgetting. but i'll never forget. a mother would never forget her child.

I will always be the daughter of a dead mother, and now, I will always be the mother of a dead daughter. What THE FUCK did I do to deserve this? i'm not religious, i don't believe in a personal god. having lost my mother at two, i've spent my whole life thinking about death and religion. i never came to terms with either i guess. i know that death is a part of life, but i've never really found any meaning in it. i don't pretend to know what's out there, or what the meaning of life is or what happens when life ends. in fact, i think it's pretty arrogant to believe that you do know these things. i believe that there is something bigger than me, than all of us, but i don't know what it is, i don't understand it, and i just can't make any sense of it. and now, more than ever, i am confused and lost and desperately want answers. i'm questioning everything, and doubting my beliefs, but i can't bring myself to buy religion. i wish i could, cuz it'd be alot easier if i could just have an answer. but right now, i'm not finding comfort in anything. not even that i'm just a statistic.

Leila McKenzie Walsh, born still on May 16th, 2009

2009-06-13T22:37:00.006-04:00

it is taking all the courage inside me to start this blog. i know i need it. i've been contemplating it for two weeks. i just need to get all this shit out of my head and share my story and connect with other women who have gone through the same thing. nobody i know has gone through this, nobody knows how i feel. and it sucks. i feel more alone than i ever have in my life. and yet i am completely surrounded by people who love me.... but they just cannot understand....

i don't really know where to start. nothing in my life makes any sense right now, nothing is in order, and i suppose that's how this blog is going to be as well. i don't have a story worked out in my head, just bits and pieces and random thoughts and feelings. maybe this will help me work it all out. i certainly hope so. cuz i feel i'm on the brink of going insane.

i lost my daughter Leila four weeks ago. she was conceived on a friday and she died inside my womb on a friday. i gave birth to her the next saturday. this is the single most horrible event in my entire life. it's worse than losing my mother to cancer when i was two. this is shit. it is absolute complete fucking shit and is not fair. i don't deserve this, my daughter doesn't deserve this, nobody deserves this. I thought my 40 week journey through pregnancy would have a happy ending, and with it the beginning of a beautiful new journey. Oh how I was wrong. I never saw this one coming. i'm still trying to wrap my head around it. i know it will be a long road, and i know i will survive, but i can't see the end of that road, and i have no idea where it will take me or how long it is. hopefully writing here will help me move along this long road and lead me back home. i am so completely lost without my daughter. i miss her so damn much.